thinking

The more time I spend thinking about something the less time I spend actually doing it.  Maybe I should stop thinking about _ _ _ _ _ _  so much.

Broadcasting on vimeo

Click here to get to THE BLUEFUTURE vimeo channel.

There are two clips that I did the lighting design/co-direction on up there now.  I'll be putting up clips from the things I do and the stuff I've done for other people.   The clips up there now are promotional clips for the Soap Factory Haunted Basement I worked on with the people from Mpls.tv

thinking while procrastinating

some things are best if you don't look too closely.

more girls look better without makeup than think they do.

there are also somethings that you should do (people included) like each time will be the last time.  if you don't but it is you'll be seriously caught up in wanting that last time and it will drive you nuts.

history repeats itself.

more often than not, being a good guy is the wrong move.

it's hard not to laugh when people complain to you that you complain too much.

pro bono?

so, in the interest of getting more press, bumping up my portfolio, helping someone out and kissing up to an MCAD professor I have suddenly found myself in a position and responsibility that I am generally paid hundreds of dollars to do.  When I took on the idea of setting up a light installation for a performance space I was thinking something simple yet cool; now that I am aware of what bands are playing and that they are not small local bands.  These are also bands slightly at odds with Solid Gold; or whatever you might call it I now find myself in a position that is very dilemma causing.  I want to kick ass and earn the portfolio/reference that drove me to take on the project; but I no longer want to offer services I am paid well to do for free, the people involved have also made me doubt my interest in participation.  The idea of doing this has turned from pro bono phone in radness that I can represent with, into my name being attached to something I would never knowingly be doing.  I need more time to think and figure this project out; but all I have is a few hours and a shitload of work.  I can't fuck this up, I need this shit to look good/cool but I can't do it real cool for free.  fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  matt will have plenty to say about this situation and it will all agree with the side that is saying "fuck that dude, you get paid for this shit there is no way you should be doing this for free.   fuck.  money is awesome, but having it conflict with artistic dedication really sucks.

figuring it out

I'm starting to grasp the situation and it will take a little bit, but I see the friend thing and get it.  Since the RYT set the bar so high as far as how awesome an activity can be.  call it a high water mark.  I do need one last session knowing that it might be the last; I could take in every moment and savor every movement and not hold anything back for next time.   I really want to pull out all of the moves and ten hit combos I haven't used yet. Last night I was essentially begging (somewhere between pitiful and date rapist). Patience is something I can deal with and if it doesn't happen again the last time was pretty sweet, so I can't really complain.  I did say "we do it so well it would be a crime not to", and I really do mean it.

On a comforting note it's good to know, if not the whole truth, a good portion of it (I can also be a fool, so who knows).

I shouldn't have eaten that second piece of pizza for lunch.

Molly, Cassie and the Turtles at the Fair would have been much more fun than the studio party I'm about to go to; but it's best I don't go for so multiple reasons.  Mental health, temptation, chilling the fuck out, courtesy, and I fucking hate the fair and I'm not the biggest fan of hippy type music; so I probably wouldn't have had as much fun as everybody else.  That's why I'm reading the Invisibles again

fuck

I've been such a cry baby bitch as far as writing on here goes for the last bunch of months. I hate it.  I hate feeling that shit like that is all I have to write about.  The Polish Pugilist is done, the first shoot for the Soap Factory videos is done and the next won't be for a couple weeks.  Weisman project is long done.  Anything with Cassie beyond a friendship (hopefully maintained for awhile) is done.  Haven't been psyched talking to the previous source of angst (hearing about fucked up situations and the same topics over and over again gets a bit boring).  No Solid Gold shows coming up.  No art show to create for.  A friendship that got shaken up to fix.  After being very monastic for months had a taste of regular extremely good sex, now I frustratingly want to fuck all the time (hung up on only doing it with the partner for that incredible sex, despite knowing that it probably won't happen any time soon).  No job.  No money to spend frivolously.  So many things fell apart.  Let unhindered emotional waves (triggered somewhat by movies that were not good for an unbalanced psyche) fuck things up twice. Car has been towed or ticketed a bunch and it cost a lot.  Need new clothes and shoes.  A few life things that should have been solved awhile ago remain unsolved.  Quite bummed by dissolving of the RYT/GF situation.  Un-fit.  Anxiety issues.  Crap from past that I was happy to put behind me came back and bit me in the ass.  Smoking waaaaayyyyy to much. Hardcore OD on meds.  I could go on, but that would get into stuff not proper for the public (I learned that lesson). I will end it with; a few weeks ago I had what I can honestly call the worst weekend in my life and ironically it started on what was my first truly terrible Friday the 13th.

Basically all the things that held me up through the summer are finished and my mind is stuck dwelling on all of those instead of the things below that were awesome.  I have no idea what to do.

Good things that have happened in the last year:

-Light work on "Matter of Time" video
-2 big/rad installations at 1st ave
-Art show
-Good times w/ Cassie
-Design work for Gayngs
-Not really any seizures
-Light wall/installation at Weisman
-Light direction for SG Mpls.tv vid
-Lighting/co-direction for Soap Factory Haunt/ Mpls.tv vids
-Realized my friends are better friends than I thought
-Knowledge of my name and work has expanded
-The Polish Pugilist (biggest and best)

Those are a bunch of good things that very few people get to do anything close to, but for some reason the bad overwhelms the good when it comes to my angsty brain.  I am the donkey from Winnie the Pooh.  I didn't think of this reference; it came from a conversation with a very specific person.   I don't like feeling or living this way.

Call me Eeyore (I might start 'Bryant on Bryant' with that line)

shit, why can't Tron just come out and give me something to be excited about

wow

It's amazing how much a good distraction will help you get through a fucked up time in your life.  It's also amazing how once that distraction is gone all the thoughts and feelings that had been held a a slow trickle will turn into a flood.  
Whole bunch of shit came back and poured itself all over me now that the distraction is officially gone.  I thought I had dealt with this shit and gotten over it.  This sucks.  Really sucks.  Really really sucks.   I can't describe it and I wish I didn't have to.  I can't get a break.

I told myself I would never do it, then I told someone that when I said it to them it would be the only time I ever used the term; but here I go again.  FML