woah

I did not expect this weekend to go the way it has gone so far, especially after the last one.  In fact I never would have predicted the southernly turn things took after I woke up on friday, but if I was thinking I should have expected them.  pure shock.  wednesday night the descent began, thursday the cascade began. a good morning turned into what became a fucked up friday the second I got back from lunch, literally.  things just went south and haven't really stopped dropping yet.  tensions that had been simmering beneath a load of smiles and deceptions exploded; subtle issues became big deals; good intensions backfired; hearts were broken; feelings were destroyed; lives where changed; and bonds were severed.  All that and it's only saturday.   I wish there was a word that meant a combination of sad+angry+disappointed+betrayed+shocked+surprised+dizzy+loss+lonely+embarrassed+guilt; I'd have titled the post that word.
I fucked up and jumped to some conclusions that led to some really bad decisions.  Don't send drunken text messages making ridiculous paranoid assumptions you know aren't true.  Don't believe the words of people you know have lied and betrayed you in the past.  If overly intoxicated trust the quiet thoughts and impulses that come from the small sober part of your brain, ignore the loud wasted thoughts that come from the other part.  Think before jumping to conclusions; and if you ever decide that it's a good idea to track down a friend with the intention of beating the shit out of them; wait until you've heard the whole story, stopped being exhausted and drunk from the night before, and thought about what the possible repercussions from doing such a stupid thing might be.   Even if the assumptions you've made turn out to be slightly true; take the high road and act like a civil human, don't act like a foolish animal.  People do bad things, all of us are people and all of us have the capacity to do bad things.  Good intentions can lead to bad results. I say all this from recent experience.  One of my personal quotes is "good ideas can quickly turn into bad ones", so true.

it's pretty fucked up to be the villain, hero, victim and aggressor all at once.  Of the three people involved nobody won and all of us lost in some way.  people got hurt yesterday and that hurt isn't going anywhere soon.

the problems I described in my last post disappeared, and a whole set of things that nobody in their right mind would want replaced them.  this sucks.

Some of you might tell me to look up at the bright side, my first reaction is to drop down and focus on the bad; I've decided to look straight ahead and figure out where I'm going with this shit and how I'm going to play the hand I've been dealt.

This morning I lost some things that are very important to me, I can only hope it's not for good.