I'm not the only one

So, everybody thinks about suicide at least once as far as I'm concerned.  I've thought about it since I was 8, it's a possible side effect of medicine I have to take, I know people who have tried and I know people who have been successful.  It's bullshit.  A total selfish bullshit act for chicken shit assholes.  Some people are truly fucked up when they try and others are going for the most narcissistic cry for attention possible.  No matter how you justify it, in reality it's just bullshit.

I've known lots of people who have died for various reasons; old age, suicide, accidental suicide (autoerotic asphyxiation), shot in a robbery, car accidents, not wearing a seatbelt, drunk drivers, tragic illness, lost at sea (lake michigan), cancer and I'm probably missing a few.  There is one person Dave Shotkowski I consider the most tragic of them all.  He was my high school pitching coach and an all around good guy, it was the year of the MLB strike and he had been called to Florida to pitch as a replacement player; he was down there and some mother fuckers decided to steal his wallet and shoot him.  This man with a family, this super nice guy, this guy getting a chance to finally live his dream; this guy was killed for no reason at all.  The epitome of tragedy.  This man should not be dead.  My old friend Andy Hartwig who died in a car accident should not be dead; the majority of people I've know who have died should not have when they did.  This will all make sense soon

A few days ago someone I know tried really hard to kill himself.  He was sedated, put on life support feeding tube and all.  The guy had been acting really crazy and stupid and just plain dumb.  He's a talented guy and I owe him a lot.  When I first heard I was concerned for his fiance and wanted to hit him.  I needed to know if he was okay and I was generally concerned.  The whole time I wanted to go and punch him and call him a pussy.  I was planning on visiting him; until yesterday that is.  So this piece of shit made a post on facebook that was essentially an invite to go visit him in the psych ward.  I've maintained contact with his fiance (I guess she broke up with him after this), and she has continued to tell me when his visiting hours are and all of that shit.  Each update I just get more and more pissed off.  The facebook thing was the last request; he was asking for sympathy and to me he seemed to be bragging about it.  I didn't want to visit him after that, for if I did I know I would just yell at him and want to kick his ass (not good things to do to someone in the psyche ward) and I tonight I found out that I'm not alone.

Another friend of his and another one of the first to know feels the same way. Only a piece of dung would stop fighting when there are so many people who has their chance to fight.  To try to give up when so many people have it taken away makes me so mad, so fucking mad.  I'm not saying that everyone who tries to off them self sucks, some people need help.  Asking for visitors on facebook like you're inviting them to a party is offensive to me, I've been really offended by this guy I at one point would have called a brother.  If I go and visit I will yell and want to hit him, if I go and visit I will be involving myself in a situation I want no part of.

I'll finish this up similar to how I started it; suicide is fucking stupid unless it goes before tendencies and is the name of a band (even they aren't cool anymore), suicide is bullshit and selfish and all words that go  along with those ideas.  I have no sympathy at all.  Sorry dude, I don't really want you to be a part of my life.  I don't want to waste my time worrying or being sad or anything about someone who does shit like this.  Fuck you dude.

i was here

so it's 1994 and young long haired me was long term inspired by this concert. Nine Inch Nails downward spiral tour.  It was amazing.  I also picked up a (if memory serves me correct) hot 19 year old lady who I thought was younger; when she and her friends invited me and my friends to come hang out at their place in chicago after the show and I had to say that I couldn't because my dad was waiting to pick us up I'll never forget the look on her face when my response to her asking my age was "15".  Needless to say I never made it to her place.

The other thing that stuck in my head after that show was the stage design.  it was amazing.  This song and "Reptile" were two that inspire me to this day when I am thinking about new stage installations.  This song is also an amazing one that immediately slams me with the floods of emotion that were washing around my system at the time.

HURT

FutuRE PRESENCE has come and gone

Future Presence was a success; I sold work, made money, made some potentially great contacts, everybody had an awesome time, basically it was a success.  In three and a half weeks the two of us put together something way surpassed any of our initial expectations.  I can't wait for the next one.

I'll finish this with a congratulations to my dear friend Amber Courteau; the release party for her book is tonight.  I can't imagine a more deserving person.  There was a time awhile ago where we had a morning talk about things we wanted to do; publishing a book and putting together art shows were two things that were talked about.  It is pretty cool that we each got the first taste of doing those things that we wanted on the same weekend.  Recently the coincidences are piling up, this is one that is beyond crazy or fate based.

Good job Amber, Jeremy, Nathaniel and Me; we kicked ass this weekend

Final results for the Polish Pugilist

I owe Jeremy Catterton for letting me be part of such an amazing and special production.  Of my list of art related accomplishments being part of that play is easily one of my proudest moments.  Climbing and wiring in those filthy rafters, hundreds of trips up and down narrow rickety stairs, prolonged sweating, consistent stress about being in over my head amongst a group of such dedicated and talented people, being pushed far outside of my artistic comfort zone and finding that I could step up to the challenge, being pushed to new levels, meeting and working with such an amazing tribe of people, being exposed to truly dedicated artists who would die for their craft, seeing a bar set high above me and finding that I could reach it; I could keep going.  Jeremy, Hillary, Kristina, Jacob, Claire, Mike, Abbey and Paula, I'm proud to be able to say I worked with you and I'm proud that all the result of all of the time, the total dedication and exhausting effort turned into something so amazing.  I didn't do the project because I was looking to get anything out of it, I did it so I could work with and learn from a group of diverse and talented people.  We all put so much work into it, I'm so glad we are getting the recognition we all knew we deserved.  This was one of the best summers of my life.  I can also safely say that without my involvement it wouldn't have worked like it did.

POLISH PUGILIST TIED FOR BEST PERFORMANCE PIECE in Lavender magazine's best of 2010 list

I owe a lot to Jeremy Catterton, he is responsible for me being where I am artistically; for years he's been a constant and strong supporter, he made me push myself artistically to a whole new level with my work on the Polish Pugilist; through working on the play I was introduced to Nathaniel Smith, what evolved into Future Presence started as a facebook chat at 2 in the morning, because of Future Presence I was presented with opportunities I never would have encountered on my own.  In the last six months I've really found out what true hard work and dedication can get you, and I love it.

FUTURE PRESENCE

Future Presence is shaping up to be worthy of it's Tronday opening.  On Friday Dec. 17th this is the art show you want to be at.  The list of artists is a list of rad people who do good work.  I've got my compatriots Solid Gold (dj), MAKR, Dave Jensen, Drew Christopherson, Ryan Olsen, DickPicks helping out with music.  We've got beer and wine sponsors.  Everything is shaping up to be excellent.  For my first time curating an event this might be a pretty damn good one.

future presence flyer plus alternate edition

OFFICIAL FUTURE PRESENCE

ALTERNATE FUTURE PRESENCE

Design by Bryant Locher 

Original art by Nathaniel Smith 

a bit awesome

I would be committing a crime if I were to skip posting this after posting all the other Tron stuff.

TRON X PLAYBOY

I WANT TO DO THESE THINGS

huffington post article on light art

Future Presence invite. it's really fucking cool doing this

FUTURE PRESENCE is an art show and sale in time for the holidays featuring emerging local artists exhibiting their work and offering it at special prices. 

Paintings, jewelry, screen prints, lights, clothing, sculpture and photography will all be shown. Come by to check out the art, listen to the music, have a beverage, buy some unique gifts or start your collection and get something for yourself. 

Featuring:
Nathaniel Smith
Bryant Locher
Jesse Draxler
Matt Locher 
Dexa Frank
Shon Troth
Erin Smith
Chris Park
Justin James Sehorn
Nick Lundeen
Dave Jensen
Laurie M Adams
Kate Burgau
Andrew Shannon
Kimberly Jurek
Carrier Pigeon
Cassandra Brost
introducing Rachel Weiher


Music: TBA (my friends, but my plan is to keep some mystery alive until it gets closer so I won't write it down yet)

Gallery Doors open at 6:00 pm Friday 
Opening Party starts at 8:00

Presented by: Nathaniel Smith and Bryant Locher

Sponsored by:
L'etoile Magazine, Solo Vino, Pabst Blue Ribbon, 
Familia Skateshop, Urban Arts Group

The exhibit will be up all weekend, we will post times we are open as the event gets closer


-my goal with this is to have it be like a flash robot love type store that exists in the land between the museum and the gift shop; the music I'm treating like a blind-box, you don't know what you're going to get until you open it up. Perfect time to show some things and sell some shit.  I hope this works, we're already getting attention and I don't want to let anybody down; or look like a fuck tard blowing on a horn I think is my own but doesn't actually exist.-

oops

I missed writing something on the actual 1st anniversary of THE BLUEFUTURE.  I do have a good excuse though.  I'm putting on an art show along with the original production designer for The Polish Pugilist; the one who got fired and left me with a ton of work and started off "the worst weekend ever", Nathaniel Smith.   We're calling the event FUTURE PRESENCE: art show and sale.  I spent last night doing the first stages of setting it up; putting together the lineup, wording the promo description, lining up sponsors.  I'm very excited, really really excited; it's my first real venture into the world of curation.  The show will open on dec 17th.   On TRONDAY, a recurring aspect of this blog are the continual updates on the progress of TRON: Legacy, I'm so excited about this art show project that I was willing to schedule the opening night on the opening night of tron. I kind of forgot when I was agreeing on when to have it, but once I remembered I realized I had made a really good decision.  
Future Presence is going to be the first chance that Matt and I show work together as well as the first time I will be showing with some of my best artist friends; it's been talked about for years between different people within that group, but this is when it is actually happening.  Kate, Erin, Matt, Dave, Shon, Erin, Nick and maybe even Kerry and Lauren; plus djing by some of my best musical friends; if things continue to go as well as they have been this should be a really cool event.  Nathaniel and I are super motivated and enthusiastic so shit is getting done quickly.
I also just sent a resume to a company for a job that might be pretty awesome.  I'm knocking on wood for both of the things I just said.  Besides being fucking cold, so far this week has been pretty cool.

happy anniversary to the future

almost an anniversary

in a day it will be the one year anniversary of THE BLUEFUTURE, this shit is fun.  I has changed from the outlet for sharing the interesting things I find online to a place where I can rant, forget what I wrote soon after I wrote it, then get in trouble for it months later when someone forgets that I wrote it before I knew them.

I'm figuring out something stupid for the anniversary.

death of me

that girl is going to be the death of me.  if I understand a conversation from last night correctly I should be pretty upset, and out twenty bucks.  shit dude, I just want to dip into that pool.  i've been out of the game because I'm worried that she really was the best and everything after won't be as good.  she really is all I wanted. I'm just sitting it out until I figure out what I want next.  In the words of Pauly D "i got to put it in"  why she got to be so a+?

 a foursome with princess leia, barbarella and tron girl would bring me back though.  I know I could handle that business.  I'm going to sleep soundly thinking about that.

this is officially the stupidest post I can remember making.  

shit

I can not wait until tron comes out.  I am so fucking excited to see that fucking movie.  A year and a half waiting and only a month left.  so close

hallway

a bit uncomfortable

the funniest fucking thing ever

this article explains a lot. i need to turn my common sense on

by Satoshi Kanazawa

If Liberals Are More Intelligent

 than Conservatives, Why Are 

Liberals So Stupid?

Who are “clever sillies”?

Published on March 28, 201
0

While it is consistent with the prediction


 of the Hypothesis, 
the conclusion in my


 previous post that liberals are on
average more intelligent than
conservatives may not resonate with
most people’s daily observations and
experiences.  If they are more
intelligent, why are liberals – especially those
in Hollywood and academia –
so much more likely than conservatives
to say and do stupid things and hold incredulous 
beliefs and ideas that stretch
credibility?
Bruce G. Charlton, Professor of Theoretical Medicine
at the University of Buckingham and Editor in
Chief of Medical Hypotheses, may have an explanation.
  In his editorial in the December 2009 issue of
 Medical Hypotheses, Charlton suggests that liberals
 and other int
elligent people may be “clever sillies,”
who incorrectly apply abstract logical reasoning
to social and interpersonal domains.  As I explain
 in an earlier post, general intelligence –
the ability to think and reason –
 likely evolved as a domain-specific evolved psychological
mechanism to solve evolutionarily novel problems,
whereas, for all evolutionarily familiar problems,
there are other dedicated evolved psychological
mechanisms.  Everyone – intelligent or not –
 is evolutionarily equipped with the ability
to solve such evolutionarily familiar problems
 in the social and interpersonal domains as
 mating, parenting, social exchange, and personal
 relationships, with the other evolved
psychological mechanisms. 
Charlton suggests that the totality of all
the other evolved psychological mechanisms
 (except for general intelligence) represents
what we normally call “common sense.”
 Everyone has common sense. 
Intelligent people, however, have a tendency
to overapply their analytical and
logical reasoning abilities derived from their
 general intelligence incorrectly to such
evolutionarily familiar domains and as a result
 get things wrong.  In other words, liberals
 and other intelligent
people lack common sense, because their
 general intelligence overrides it.  They think
 in situations where they are supposed to feel. 
In evolutionarily familiar domains such as
interpersonal relationships, feeling
 usually leads to correct solutions whereas thinking does not.




I personally dislike Charlton’s term “clever sillies”
 – I don’t like the British usage of both words:
  “clever” and “silly.”  But otherwise I completely agree
 with his analysis substantively.  As Charlton points out,
 common sense is eminently evolutionarily familiar. 
Our ancestors could not have survived
a single day in their hostile environment full of predators
 and enemies if they did not possess functional
common sense.  That’s why it has become integral
 part of evolved human nature in the form of evolved
 psychological mechanisms in the social and
interpersonal domains.  Because common sense is
evolutionarily familiar and thus natural, the Hypothesis
would predict that more intelligent people may be
 less likely to resort to it.  They may be more likely to
resort to evolutionarily
novel, non-common sensical, stupid ideas to solve
problems in the evolutionarily familiar domains.
This, incidentally, is the reason I never use words like
 “smart” and “clever” as synonyms for “intelligent.” 
Similarly, I never use words like “dumb” and “stupid”
 as synonyms for “unintelligent.”  “Intelligent” has a
specific scientific meaning – possessing higher levels
 of general intelligence – whereas “smart” and “stupid”
 have more to do with common sense than intelligence.
 From my perspective, more intelligent people like
 liberals are more likely to be “stupid” (lacking common sense),
 whereas less intelligent people like conservatives
 are more likely to be “smart.”
Once again, Matt Stone and Trey Parker –
 the co-creators of South Park– get it perfectly.
 In the
episode “Go God Go XII,” the Wise One
(the elderly leader of atheist otters) says,
with reference to Richard Dawkins:

“Perhaps the Great Dawkins wasn’t so wise.

 Oh, he was intelligent, but some of the

most intelligent otters that I’ve ever known

were completely lacking in common sense.”

at ease

things cooled off from last night and I am a bit at ease, but I still feel like there is something still lingering in the air between us.  I'm happiest when I'm with you, but I know it can't be like that.  I saw your tears welling up and I backed off from the path I had intended to take; I realized it was the wrong way to go.  I wish we could travel the golden road together; but the world doesn't always work that way.  We're both still looking for the on ramp and in separate cars.  this sucks.

buttons

a shiny button can look nice or accent a piece well, but in reality it's just a piece of plastic with holes in it.  I'm forcing myself right now, it's all there is.  I don't want to force it anymore, I just want it to go away.  Crushed, imploded, broken, pained.  I don't even know.   I want to sleep, but then I might dream, the last thing I want to do is dream right now; my real dream was taken away.  words kill and I want to die, the worst part is that I refuse to die or stop fighting.  I had something to fight for, but that thing was an empty shell hiding behind a smile. it was a smile hiding lies, empty lies.
I'm a fucking dork

words

words really can kill.  I forget where that comes from, but today I finally experienced how true it is.  Today a single word killed something that I held very dear.  I don't know what to say.  Angry, hurt and offended are what came to me as a reply, but I don't actually have the words to explain what it really feels like to have something vanish the way it did today.  I use words and pictures and colors to explain the world, but right now it's all blank.  Something died in me.  I wish being sad was enough, instead I just want to say goodbye.  Goodbye

dude, seriously?

I need to be in the studio or looking for a job or furthering my life, but instead all I think about is RYT and Tron Girl and Tron in general (ocd level obsession and I think I'm near the bottom as far as people obsessed with that thing goes).  Add the introduction of ASL and the return of CLR to the mix and my mind is one big distracted mess.  Last night with RYT was a good door opening one; but who knows what the repercussions will be.  I would be awesome to 'cheese a B' or 'B a P' right now; but I'm out of fuel (it fucking sucks).

Hangovers fucking suck.  Wonderful girly boobs don't (best pillows in the universe).  Those left this morning and I've been left with the hangover.  At least I have my burrito and chips.

I'm starting to think that a few less drinks and more hours of after party might have been the right choice; but then one of the best parts from last night wouldn't have gone down.  I'm living a chose your own adventure book right now and I'm not entirely sure I've been making the right choices.

ramble ramble ramble.  she was right; it has only been two months, but it feels like 4.  That needs to change

my dream lady

full american version

I love this girl

I'll light up her suit

good quote

it's coming!

rough

it's hard to walk away; it's even harder to let go.

fucking hallmark shit

shit

On my last journey I was convinced I was planning a trip up K2; when I opened my eyes I realized it was actually a dirt mound.  I started climbing again and got invited on a beautiful mission; now everything else will be a step down from that one.  I feel like I got to the top of Everest, got blown off in the rarified air and hurt bad on the landing.  Now I'm in a full body cast and I know that I'll never get up to that highest peak again.  Eventually I'll have to leave base-camp; but I'm still looking up at the mountain that kicked my ass.  I guess all I have left to do is get in shape and go in search of other mountains.  Right now I don't feel like climbing anything at all.  I guess my team is right when they say I have to let go of that previous achievement and start looking for another mountain to climb.  

This shit really sucks.

best ever

While in the shower today I figured out what will be the best and tastiest burger plate of all time.  Thomas Keller I'm coming for you.  This thing will be expensive, unhealthy, a little bit of cruelty involved in the ingredients, dangerous to your body, stinky, illegal, incite a fuss among certain groups of people, and delicious.

Patty:
Kobe and Veal mix (expensive, unhealthy, cruel, protestable)

Toppings:
Micro Greens
Sliced Purple Heirloom Tomatoes (expensive)
Soft Unpasteurized French Cheese (expensive, dangerous, unhealthy, illegal)
House Made Rough Stone Ground Mustard
Caramelized Yellow Onions

Bun:
Made in small batches from a Vintage Yeast Culture (potential danger)

Side:
Potato free 1/4 Julliene (sic?) Foie Gras Fries in Medium/Light Batter (cruel, expensive, illegal in some places, unhealthy, protestable)
w/Spicy Black Truffle Ketchup (expensive)

Might as well serve it on a Lalique colored glass plate. (very expensive)

DELICIOUS!!!!!!!

I thought of this while in the shower and haven't stopped wanting one all day.  I imagine that without knowing the details even the most militant vegan would eat and love it.

I can only think of two things that I would like to eat as much as this right now, and I'm just about as likely to taste either of those today as I am of tasting this burger.   bummer

clean apartment

I'm a mess.  This shit sucks.  Need to get moving.

truth

the truth can hurt and the truth can comfort.  not knowing the truth can leave you floating down a blissful stream of naive ignorance; but finding out that there is a raging river flowing behind you, a river you accidently stepped into and are now drowning it really crushes that bliss.  If I were to make a real natural world metaphor I would say that before this weekend I was a sockeye salmon swimming upstream, then I got caught and eaten by a shitty bear.  now if I am going to swim upstream I want to be a bull shark swimming up the mississippi river.  those things can breath salt and freshwater and they are vicious mother fuckers.  in reality I'll probably just become a river trout, or maybe an otter.

what a load of shit stretch.  forgive me, I'm forcing it

today's wisdom

it's hard to be serious when the whole world is a joke.

right

things are right.  Gorillaz fixed my brain. that was a fucking cool concert.
show<2000
concert= average age<26
performance=average age>33
shit show=average age<14

this was a fucking cool concert, and the three kids who dressed up like the Gorillaz were the coolest people in the place.

I stopped thinking about the past and focused my eyes on the future; got some support from friends and noticed that I things are alright.

cheers

shit

this break we're taking sucks, and it hasn't even been a full day.  I'm going to be missing you hard girly, I wish I hadn't fucked things up.

woah

I did not expect this weekend to go the way it has gone so far, especially after the last one.  In fact I never would have predicted the southernly turn things took after I woke up on friday, but if I was thinking I should have expected them.  pure shock.  wednesday night the descent began, thursday the cascade began. a good morning turned into what became a fucked up friday the second I got back from lunch, literally.  things just went south and haven't really stopped dropping yet.  tensions that had been simmering beneath a load of smiles and deceptions exploded; subtle issues became big deals; good intensions backfired; hearts were broken; feelings were destroyed; lives where changed; and bonds were severed.  All that and it's only saturday.   I wish there was a word that meant a combination of sad+angry+disappointed+betrayed+shocked+surprised+dizzy+loss+lonely+embarrassed+guilt; I'd have titled the post that word.
I fucked up and jumped to some conclusions that led to some really bad decisions.  Don't send drunken text messages making ridiculous paranoid assumptions you know aren't true.  Don't believe the words of people you know have lied and betrayed you in the past.  If overly intoxicated trust the quiet thoughts and impulses that come from the small sober part of your brain, ignore the loud wasted thoughts that come from the other part.  Think before jumping to conclusions; and if you ever decide that it's a good idea to track down a friend with the intention of beating the shit out of them; wait until you've heard the whole story, stopped being exhausted and drunk from the night before, and thought about what the possible repercussions from doing such a stupid thing might be.   Even if the assumptions you've made turn out to be slightly true; take the high road and act like a civil human, don't act like a foolish animal.  People do bad things, all of us are people and all of us have the capacity to do bad things.  Good intentions can lead to bad results. I say all this from recent experience.  One of my personal quotes is "good ideas can quickly turn into bad ones", so true.

it's pretty fucked up to be the villain, hero, victim and aggressor all at once.  Of the three people involved nobody won and all of us lost in some way.  people got hurt yesterday and that hurt isn't going anywhere soon.

the problems I described in my last post disappeared, and a whole set of things that nobody in their right mind would want replaced them.  this sucks.

Some of you might tell me to look up at the bright side, my first reaction is to drop down and focus on the bad; I've decided to look straight ahead and figure out where I'm going with this shit and how I'm going to play the hand I've been dealt.

This morning I lost some things that are very important to me, I can only hope it's not for good.

these guys made one of the best videos ever

This isn't the video and the actual songs aren't very awesome, but I'll get it up here

ahhhhhh fuck

a good friend of mine recently said to me, "dude, people would love to have some of the 'problems' you've got".  fine.  right now I'm being forced to accept the fact that I have to let go of the best option that has come up and go after another that may be good, but probably not as good.  the new option seems to be like when the teaser trailer is better than the one that gets shown in the theater and you're not sure if you should go see the show or not.  I hate this shit.  

work

I need a job.  I also need a wizard to advise me in the decision making process.  I'm great at finding myself in situations that make asking advice difficult, that is why a wizard would be so helpful; he could read the stars so I wouldn't need to waste time on the lead-up explanation.   I need a job so I can pay my wizard advisor (probably one of those instances where "you get what you pay for" really means something) and maybe figure out my current quandary.  

Change the channel

So I started a vimeo channel as a place to show video based projects that I've worked on.  Right now there are two videos I worked on for Solid Gold and three promotional clips for a local haunted house.  Check them out.  I'll continue to add new clips as they come out.  I've got some footage from older Solid Gold shows and from the play I did the set/lighting for; "The Polish Pugilist",  which is being edited into clips to show off my work.  There is also more footage from the Solid Gold performance at the Weisman Art Museum where I went all out to make one of the coolest installations that should be coming my way soon.  As another way to promote myself I am excited for this one; Steve Jobs has it right, vimeo is so much better than youtube.


THE BLUEFUTURE VIMEO

mission accomplished

so living in minneapolis you hear about that josh hartnet is here and there and all that.  I ran into him and  I finally got to ask if he slept with shannon sossamon while filming that 40 days and nights movie.

didn't really get an answer

?

odd concerns accompany odd situations.  what am I doing? what do I plan to get out of it? do I have an agenda or not? if an agenda exists and never comes to fruition will I continue anyway? It would be simple to walk away, but I don't think it's the right thing to do.  If only things hadn't been so good

I'm pretty sure the majority of the population would handle things differently if it was them.  

What exactly am I doing?

heights of stupidity

so I have this friend with quite the ego.  he complains/comments regularly on the moronity of people.  someone asked him, "if your friends are such morons why do you hang out with them?" He didn't reply and I didn't say anything at the time.  I thought about the question afterwards and I figured out the answer; it's easier to be condescending to people you've already deemed below you.  if he were to surround himself with people he considered equals he would be challenged and potentially looked down on by others.

I simply find this amusing.  probably doesn't read as well as it sounds in my head.

suck it

The "Epicurean paradox" is a version of the problem of evil. It is a trilemma argument (God is omnipotent, God is good, but Evil exists); or more commonly seen as this quote:

“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”^[

poop

some people are just people.  some people use people.  some people allow themselves to get shit on and used.   what's the worst?

nice target

new mission off to a good start.  so far I've got a 2-1-1 record on missions like this. it seems to be only a matter of time before there is a 3 in the win column.  If I were playing darts I would say there is a nice bull's eye with some interesting patterns on this board and that I'm optimistic that I will be hitting it

thinking

The more time I spend thinking about something the less time I spend actually doing it.  Maybe I should stop thinking about _ _ _ _ _ _  so much.

Broadcasting on vimeo

Click here to get to THE BLUEFUTURE vimeo channel.

There are two clips that I did the lighting design/co-direction on up there now.  I'll be putting up clips from the things I do and the stuff I've done for other people.   The clips up there now are promotional clips for the Soap Factory Haunted Basement I worked on with the people from Mpls.tv

thinking while procrastinating

some things are best if you don't look too closely.

more girls look better without makeup than think they do.

there are also somethings that you should do (people included) like each time will be the last time.  if you don't but it is you'll be seriously caught up in wanting that last time and it will drive you nuts.

history repeats itself.

more often than not, being a good guy is the wrong move.

it's hard not to laugh when people complain to you that you complain too much.

pro bono?

so, in the interest of getting more press, bumping up my portfolio, helping someone out and kissing up to an MCAD professor I have suddenly found myself in a position and responsibility that I am generally paid hundreds of dollars to do.  When I took on the idea of setting up a light installation for a performance space I was thinking something simple yet cool; now that I am aware of what bands are playing and that they are not small local bands.  These are also bands slightly at odds with Solid Gold; or whatever you might call it I now find myself in a position that is very dilemma causing.  I want to kick ass and earn the portfolio/reference that drove me to take on the project; but I no longer want to offer services I am paid well to do for free, the people involved have also made me doubt my interest in participation.  The idea of doing this has turned from pro bono phone in radness that I can represent with, into my name being attached to something I would never knowingly be doing.  I need more time to think and figure this project out; but all I have is a few hours and a shitload of work.  I can't fuck this up, I need this shit to look good/cool but I can't do it real cool for free.  fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  matt will have plenty to say about this situation and it will all agree with the side that is saying "fuck that dude, you get paid for this shit there is no way you should be doing this for free.   fuck.  money is awesome, but having it conflict with artistic dedication really sucks.

figuring it out

I'm starting to grasp the situation and it will take a little bit, but I see the friend thing and get it.  Since the RYT set the bar so high as far as how awesome an activity can be.  call it a high water mark.  I do need one last session knowing that it might be the last; I could take in every moment and savor every movement and not hold anything back for next time.   I really want to pull out all of the moves and ten hit combos I haven't used yet. Last night I was essentially begging (somewhere between pitiful and date rapist). Patience is something I can deal with and if it doesn't happen again the last time was pretty sweet, so I can't really complain.  I did say "we do it so well it would be a crime not to", and I really do mean it.

On a comforting note it's good to know, if not the whole truth, a good portion of it (I can also be a fool, so who knows).

I shouldn't have eaten that second piece of pizza for lunch.

Molly, Cassie and the Turtles at the Fair would have been much more fun than the studio party I'm about to go to; but it's best I don't go for so multiple reasons.  Mental health, temptation, chilling the fuck out, courtesy, and I fucking hate the fair and I'm not the biggest fan of hippy type music; so I probably wouldn't have had as much fun as everybody else.  That's why I'm reading the Invisibles again

fuck

I've been such a cry baby bitch as far as writing on here goes for the last bunch of months. I hate it.  I hate feeling that shit like that is all I have to write about.  The Polish Pugilist is done, the first shoot for the Soap Factory videos is done and the next won't be for a couple weeks.  Weisman project is long done.  Anything with Cassie beyond a friendship (hopefully maintained for awhile) is done.  Haven't been psyched talking to the previous source of angst (hearing about fucked up situations and the same topics over and over again gets a bit boring).  No Solid Gold shows coming up.  No art show to create for.  A friendship that got shaken up to fix.  After being very monastic for months had a taste of regular extremely good sex, now I frustratingly want to fuck all the time (hung up on only doing it with the partner for that incredible sex, despite knowing that it probably won't happen any time soon).  No job.  No money to spend frivolously.  So many things fell apart.  Let unhindered emotional waves (triggered somewhat by movies that were not good for an unbalanced psyche) fuck things up twice. Car has been towed or ticketed a bunch and it cost a lot.  Need new clothes and shoes.  A few life things that should have been solved awhile ago remain unsolved.  Quite bummed by dissolving of the RYT/GF situation.  Un-fit.  Anxiety issues.  Crap from past that I was happy to put behind me came back and bit me in the ass.  Smoking waaaaayyyyy to much. Hardcore OD on meds.  I could go on, but that would get into stuff not proper for the public (I learned that lesson). I will end it with; a few weeks ago I had what I can honestly call the worst weekend in my life and ironically it started on what was my first truly terrible Friday the 13th.

Basically all the things that held me up through the summer are finished and my mind is stuck dwelling on all of those instead of the things below that were awesome.  I have no idea what to do.

Good things that have happened in the last year:

-Light work on "Matter of Time" video
-2 big/rad installations at 1st ave
-Art show
-Good times w/ Cassie
-Design work for Gayngs
-Not really any seizures
-Light wall/installation at Weisman
-Light direction for SG Mpls.tv vid
-Lighting/co-direction for Soap Factory Haunt/ Mpls.tv vids
-Realized my friends are better friends than I thought
-Knowledge of my name and work has expanded
-The Polish Pugilist (biggest and best)

Those are a bunch of good things that very few people get to do anything close to, but for some reason the bad overwhelms the good when it comes to my angsty brain.  I am the donkey from Winnie the Pooh.  I didn't think of this reference; it came from a conversation with a very specific person.   I don't like feeling or living this way.

Call me Eeyore (I might start 'Bryant on Bryant' with that line)

shit, why can't Tron just come out and give me something to be excited about

wow

It's amazing how much a good distraction will help you get through a fucked up time in your life.  It's also amazing how once that distraction is gone all the thoughts and feelings that had been held a a slow trickle will turn into a flood.  
Whole bunch of shit came back and poured itself all over me now that the distraction is officially gone.  I thought I had dealt with this shit and gotten over it.  This sucks.  Really sucks.  Really really sucks.   I can't describe it and I wish I didn't have to.  I can't get a break.

I told myself I would never do it, then I told someone that when I said it to them it would be the only time I ever used the term; but here I go again.  FML

changes

The Polish Pugilist is done with it's run.  Really sad actually; it was fucking good and could be fucking huge if it had time.  Beyond that it is sad that I spent two months working really hard with a small group of people to make such a fucking awesome thing.   It mad my summer, kept me sane when the other landmark of this summer kind of shook things off the tree.  A truly amazing time and truly amazing experience.  Jeremy Catterton, Hillary Falk, Jacob Grun, Mike Rylander, Abby Williams, Claire Monesterio, Kristina Perkins, Paula MacDonald, and me.  Ben and the 1419 space. That shit was awesome.  I'm really proud really really proud to have been involved in the project.  One of my proudest moments actually and I think that everybody else involved is incredibly just as proud of their work.   All my stress and thinking and worry and work paid off.  The Polish Pugilist is what made it possible for me to keep it together when some people close to me brought me to a place where I could have lost it (one of those people is partially responsible for my involvement).  Something to focus on and keep my mind in line.  Amazing learning experience; and incredibly rad time.

I'll miss the experience and the people 

Jeremy, thank you for asking me to help you out, I owe you one.

now it's time to figure out what comes next

d

drunk. a bit too much. mission not accomplished

bit of wisdom

if you and 6 people go in the bathroom to get your line on remember that there is a line for the bathroom forming on the other side of the door. so dysen that shit up and get the fuck out; I've got to take a piss

ouch

august sucks.  trouble and stress have been stacking overlapping like roof shingles keeping out the light of ease and happiness.  a few sky lights have helped; but as I move up towards the end of the month I don't really see an end to it.  I am ee-or (sic), the donkey from winnie the pooh; a big smile brings a bigger frown, fuck.  this sucks.   so many cool things, so many shitty things to bring them down.

at least I made peace with some important people.

a good line

"we have such great sex, it would be a waste not to do it"

one more good review of the play I did the lighting/set design for

'Pugilist' a powerful indictment

Blunt and experimental theater piece moves around in old building as it stresses hardships facing new immigrants.

By JOHN TOWNSEND, Special to the Star Tribune

Last update: August 24, 2010 - 4:44 PM

You actually have to sign a waiver to see "The Polish Pugilist," 
because it's being played on three floors of a tatty building that 
looks as if it might have existed at the time the show is set in.

In the show, writer/director Jeremey Catterton exposes the disconnect between the American Dream and blunt realities faced by new immigrants, such as unpaid wages, filthy housing and treacherous working conditions. Drawing from novelist Upton Sinclair's raging 1906 indictment of the meatpacking industry, "The Jungle," and loosely blending the persona of Rocky Balboa, popularized by Sylvester Stallone, in the Rocky films, Catterton shapes a spare and stunning commentary on the exploitation of immigrants and athletes.

By changing Sinclair's Lithuanians to Poles, Catterton sets up a conceit in which bigoted jokes against that group comment cruelly on the narrative of protagonist Jurgis/Rocky, powerfully played by Catterton himself. Delivered in harshly vaudevillian style, Michael Rylander and Jacob Grun diabolically punctuate Catterton's tribulations with sarcastic quips.

Those tribulations are portrayed as the audience is escorted to the building's three floors for this one-hour show's three acts. Extraordinary but simple imagery abounds. Fabric represents a corpse. Dirt symbolizes scatological degradation. 'Red, white, and blue' ironically equals economic royalism.

As abject poverty compels the protagonist to box, a beguiling ensemble of five performs choreographed punching that is almost too close to the audience. Rylander, reminiscent of Apollo Creed, and Catterton, play out a hypnotically stylized boxing match. The 1419 building evokes a haunting ambience of fabled tenements.

John Townsend writes regularly about theater.

over

over isn't the right word, but get over it is right the right thing to say.   I have a better understanding of things and I am less bothered by the events of a week and a half ago.   I'm done being down about it, I'm done being angry about it and I'm done holding a grudge.   Good friends are more important.  I'm finally (more or less) past my interpretation of the situation and into accepting the explanation of the others; they were the ones present for the whole event.   I'm excited to step forward with a new sense of openness and understanding.  stepping forward is a way better feeling that holding onto the past.   it's also hard to hold a grudge over something I have been more than guilty of (I've often said that a specific girl's boyfriend should have kicked my ass multiple times for doing the same thing that I was so bothered about); this was a much bigger and more intense concentrated version of something in the same vein as something I took part in; except instead of me being a relative stranger to this dude, in my case it was a close friend.  Another difference is that he is a fucking retard and I'm just kind of retarded.

and last night was awesome.  got to meet a junkie (on something hard while I was around the dude) who is obsessed with the girl who played a role in the instance.  he plays his guitar and sings really well; but he has a strange obsession with heroin musicians and "the lifestyle" they engaged in.  pretty fucked up.

then I got to kick it with the lady and to finish it off I found that with some excellent help a bank can be filled and emptied by way of multi-tasking.  

another thing

poop was here, now the shit has been wiped away

ick

dammit.  nothing going my way. ups and downs and downs and shits.   I've never meant "alright" as an answer to "how you are doing?" or "how are things?" more than I have in the last week.

cool review of what has caused me so much stress in the last few weeks

the polish pugilist, presented through august 28 at 1419 washington avenue south, minneapolis. for information and tickets ($15-$25), seejeremeycatterton.com

Catterton himself contributes a committed performance in the eponymous role—though one of the many interesting things about The Polish Pugilist is that it doesn't have characters in the conventional sense. The actors play people with names, but they seem to represent archetypes, and their actions are narrated in third person, as though their lives are out of their own control. Developments are declared, then enacted. The characters are suffering the travails faced by millions of immigrants to this country, and the suggestion that they are without agency might seem insulting if it weren't so clearly portrayed as a collective experience. It's not a story about this man and this woman, it's a story about these people, in this place, at this time.

Working with Catterton are four onstage collaborators—plus an ASL interpreter (Paula MacDonald) who joins the action rather than standing in an offstage spotlight. (It's not clear where "offstage" would be, anyway.) As the story of Catterton's beleagured character unfolds, Jacob Grun, Clare Monesterio, Michael Rylander, and Abbie Williams circle around him like lions in a cage, alternately taking characters and narrating the action. They often—Rylander especially, clad in smoking jacket—pause to tell jokes in the hoary dumb-Polack tradition, and at each punchline the actors moan and grimace as if they'd been physically struck. Again, this could feel insulting or didactic, but it's handled deftly and swiftly: there are no pauses meant to make us think about what we've learned before the action cascades onward.

The play begins on the third floor of the dilapidated interior space at 1419 Washington Avenue, a setting that effectively stands in for the dangerously crowded tenements and run-down houses occupied by the characters. As the first act becomes the second and the second becomes the third, the show practically falls down two flights of steps, with Catterton's character defending himself from a series of brutal physical and emotional blows that are enacted with an almost literally in-your-face physicality (get ready to duck). Then, at the play's climax, Catterton faces off against Rylander—especially for those who have seen the charming Rylander in more conventional fare like Bye Bye Liver and The Saved By the Bell Show, it's worth the price of admission just to see him come bouncing out in an Apollo-Creed-style American flag cape—on a boxing ring of holograms. (I won't even try to explain how that works.) The lighting by Bryant Locher and the costumes by Hilary Falk are all the more effective for their relative minimalism.

In Lamb Lays With Lion vs. Katie Mitchell's The Seagull, Catterton separated the narrative and the emotion of Chekhov's play like oil and water, enacting them side-by-side on the same stage. The concluding act of The Polish Pugilist plays like Jeremey Catterton vs. Sylvester Stallone's Rocky, but with the two interpretations wrapped around one another. Catterton and Rylander go at each other with sweat, blood, and bile—in a clever and well-executed maneuver, the blood is applied by their trainers when the combatants take their respective corners—but they fight at odd angles, under swinging lamps, and to the soundtrack of crashing dance rock accompanied by Grun's live guitar. It's a dazzling spectacle, one of the most powerful things I've seen on stage (er, "on stage") all year—and it's a perfectly-judged conclusion to what's come before. It goes on for a long time, which underlines the point: when you're in the circumstances in which Catterton's character finds himself, there's nothing to do but fight, and fight. And fight. And fight.

If, like me, you're a fan of Catterton and the experimental methods he employs, you don't need to be convinced to see The Polish Pugilist. For the rest of you, this show answers the question, "What can avant-garde postdramatic theater do for me?" It can do this, and you should see it while you have the chance.

she made me feel the happiest I had felt in so long, now she has made me hurt more than I have ever felt in my whole life.   I am so cold and so empty feeling.   I've never felt like I do right now; I don't have the words for it.  the floor fell out from beneath me and I had a noose made out of betrayal and lies; emotion and faith in the goodness of people are no longer part of my life.  I got what I karmically deserve, I just never would have ever thought this is how it would happen.  I'm officially broken, cracked right down the middle and only entropy is thing coming out.  I don't know what to say; I walked into one of my best friends going at it with the girl who had called herself my girlfriend the day before; 10 minutes before it happened he told me that she had been hitting on him all night and that I had nothing to worry about and that he had my back and wouldn't let anything like that happen. hurt isn't the right word neither is betrayal.  goodbye for now I don't know what else to do

I knew it

man, Reality Bites.  there is significance to that movie that I won't share.  something I wrote on here a while ago fucked things up for me recently.  I hate the person who was the topic of the post that knocked things off the rails; she ruined my life.  the phone conversation I just had was a thing.  wow, talk about getting caught off guard.  I made a few dumb decisions and reality bit me in the ass for it


It took 31 years for it to happen, but I just had a true Friday the 13th. started alright, got a bit worse, went south, sucked, then ended with an ether scene bang

irony

very often that which gets me up brings me down.  I'm just an e-oar (I don't know how to spell the name right, but I imagine you all know who I'm talking about) jealous of all the tiggers bouncing around me.

loose change

Has anyone ever seen THX1138?   I feel a bit like I'm in the room with all white non-walls; I keep trying to look and go different directions in an effort to escape, but it hasn't worked yet.  I keep trying to move forward, a few times I even thought I saw a way out; but things just don't change and there isn't an exit in sight.   This shit is really getting to me; bringing me down, shaking me up.   It's so fucking hot and humid right now; I'm not made for this shit and it's not helping at all.

I'm done with all this summer business; I want the fans to be off, I want to wear a jacket, I want to wear pants comfortably, I want to use a blanket, I don't want to sweat while sitting; a source of smiles did find me and I haven't smiled that broadly in a long time; but now it feels like I need to schedule appointments (that's being hard on her and isn't entirely true).  I'm just a bummed out dude getting dragged down by the things that should be making me happy.  

carry

Got a bit carried away as far as pounding out posts goes.  that last one was pretty intense.   now I'm awake after not as much sleep as I would have liked to get to be ready for today.   I have a lot of work to do and I was already planning to skip out on some of it.  whatever, shit is stupid and I'm already a few days behind (shocking, I'm usually so on top of things).   Polish Pugilist lighting design, I'm going to be so mad if I have to do the tech work for the performances; fucking bullshit.

vows

   My brother is Matt, and while there are times we've wanted to kill each other, he is fucking awesome and I'd die for him.  I've got a friend named Matthew and he is a rad mother fucker I'd probably take a bullet for too.  Now there is a new Matt on my mind.
   This colon dweller is worse than the ground underneath a piece of yellow dog shit.  I will break my vow to not hit anybody in order to hurt this asshole.  I'd like to break his fucking legs and arms; some brass knuckles for his face would be nice.  I really don't care if by the end of things I've gotten my ass kicked as long as I hurt him in the process.  I can't say why this dixie cup full of stale bile deserves this, but if it were up to me I would say why.  If I did there would be an army behind me as I broke him.  This guy is a true piece of shit, as I was being told about this guy I felt rage boiling inside me.
   After I shattered my knuckle fighting with my brother I vowed to myself that I was done with hitting things and that if I were to hit someone they would absolutely deserve it.  Now I vow that he will be the next person I punch in the face (unless some asshole really earns the honor, but it will be pretty hard for that to happen).
   There are some people you never hit and he did that and more to one who is now close to me.  It happened before I met her, but with the way I feel about that person it is as if he did it yesterday.  If you can't tell this is something that has me very upset. I won't forget what he did and if it is tomorrow or a year or more I vow I WILL hit this guy (even if it turns out like the fight at the end of Dazed and Confused).

what?

While on a long walk intended to take my mind off the situation I realized a flaw in a bit of logic that was explained to me recently.  Makes me think about previous experiences involving a similar story.  I really don't know what's up, doubt and skepticism suck.

The walk was nice though
 

song of today

I'm kind of done with this summer, so I wish I had heard this a few months ago; but she's hot and the song is cool so who cares

song of today

A bit different, but pretty cool

song of today

the best cover I've heard in a little bit

x-ray vision

I wish I would have put on a lead vest.  I thought I was going to get an MRI so I left all my metal in the car.   I was prepared for some heavy magnetics, but instead I got shot with a big dose of radiation.  As the x-rays are developing I'm unsure about what I'm seeing as things become more transparent.  I shouldn't have left the armor at home.  I might be getting poisoned by the radiation, but until I feel sick I'll just keep hanging out.

On the other hand I might be laying back in an MRI tunnel imagining things.

 (this is why you don't write things after a certain hour and after passing a certain level of intoxication; the shit just doesn't make much sense)