fuck

I've been such a cry baby bitch as far as writing on here goes for the last bunch of months. I hate it.  I hate feeling that shit like that is all I have to write about.  The Polish Pugilist is done, the first shoot for the Soap Factory videos is done and the next won't be for a couple weeks.  Weisman project is long done.  Anything with Cassie beyond a friendship (hopefully maintained for awhile) is done.  Haven't been psyched talking to the previous source of angst (hearing about fucked up situations and the same topics over and over again gets a bit boring).  No Solid Gold shows coming up.  No art show to create for.  A friendship that got shaken up to fix.  After being very monastic for months had a taste of regular extremely good sex, now I frustratingly want to fuck all the time (hung up on only doing it with the partner for that incredible sex, despite knowing that it probably won't happen any time soon).  No job.  No money to spend frivolously.  So many things fell apart.  Let unhindered emotional waves (triggered somewhat by movies that were not good for an unbalanced psyche) fuck things up twice. Car has been towed or ticketed a bunch and it cost a lot.  Need new clothes and shoes.  A few life things that should have been solved awhile ago remain unsolved.  Quite bummed by dissolving of the RYT/GF situation.  Un-fit.  Anxiety issues.  Crap from past that I was happy to put behind me came back and bit me in the ass.  Smoking waaaaayyyyy to much. Hardcore OD on meds.  I could go on, but that would get into stuff not proper for the public (I learned that lesson). I will end it with; a few weeks ago I had what I can honestly call the worst weekend in my life and ironically it started on what was my first truly terrible Friday the 13th.

Basically all the things that held me up through the summer are finished and my mind is stuck dwelling on all of those instead of the things below that were awesome.  I have no idea what to do.

Good things that have happened in the last year:

-Light work on "Matter of Time" video
-2 big/rad installations at 1st ave
-Art show
-Good times w/ Cassie
-Design work for Gayngs
-Not really any seizures
-Light wall/installation at Weisman
-Light direction for SG Mpls.tv vid
-Lighting/co-direction for Soap Factory Haunt/ Mpls.tv vids
-Realized my friends are better friends than I thought
-Knowledge of my name and work has expanded
-The Polish Pugilist (biggest and best)

Those are a bunch of good things that very few people get to do anything close to, but for some reason the bad overwhelms the good when it comes to my angsty brain.  I am the donkey from Winnie the Pooh.  I didn't think of this reference; it came from a conversation with a very specific person.   I don't like feeling or living this way.

Call me Eeyore (I might start 'Bryant on Bryant' with that line)

shit, why can't Tron just come out and give me something to be excited about

wow

It's amazing how much a good distraction will help you get through a fucked up time in your life.  It's also amazing how once that distraction is gone all the thoughts and feelings that had been held a a slow trickle will turn into a flood.  
Whole bunch of shit came back and poured itself all over me now that the distraction is officially gone.  I thought I had dealt with this shit and gotten over it.  This sucks.  Really sucks.  Really really sucks.   I can't describe it and I wish I didn't have to.  I can't get a break.

I told myself I would never do it, then I told someone that when I said it to them it would be the only time I ever used the term; but here I go again.  FML

changes

The Polish Pugilist is done with it's run.  Really sad actually; it was fucking good and could be fucking huge if it had time.  Beyond that it is sad that I spent two months working really hard with a small group of people to make such a fucking awesome thing.   It mad my summer, kept me sane when the other landmark of this summer kind of shook things off the tree.  A truly amazing time and truly amazing experience.  Jeremy Catterton, Hillary Falk, Jacob Grun, Mike Rylander, Abby Williams, Claire Monesterio, Kristina Perkins, Paula MacDonald, and me.  Ben and the 1419 space. That shit was awesome.  I'm really proud really really proud to have been involved in the project.  One of my proudest moments actually and I think that everybody else involved is incredibly just as proud of their work.   All my stress and thinking and worry and work paid off.  The Polish Pugilist is what made it possible for me to keep it together when some people close to me brought me to a place where I could have lost it (one of those people is partially responsible for my involvement).  Something to focus on and keep my mind in line.  Amazing learning experience; and incredibly rad time.

I'll miss the experience and the people 

Jeremy, thank you for asking me to help you out, I owe you one.

now it's time to figure out what comes next

d

drunk. a bit too much. mission not accomplished

bit of wisdom

if you and 6 people go in the bathroom to get your line on remember that there is a line for the bathroom forming on the other side of the door. so dysen that shit up and get the fuck out; I've got to take a piss

ouch

august sucks.  trouble and stress have been stacking overlapping like roof shingles keeping out the light of ease and happiness.  a few sky lights have helped; but as I move up towards the end of the month I don't really see an end to it.  I am ee-or (sic), the donkey from winnie the pooh; a big smile brings a bigger frown, fuck.  this sucks.   so many cool things, so many shitty things to bring them down.

at least I made peace with some important people.

a good line

"we have such great sex, it would be a waste not to do it"